October 8th, 2010 - "To Catch A Morlock"
- Greg: Going to happy hour tonight at Square One?
- Gil: Probably working late.
- Greg: You understand that trying multiple times to suck your own cock does NOT count as work - correct?
- Gil: Says you. I've never worked up more of a sweat in my life.
- Greg: Well that's understandable I suppose. Considering I've seen newborns with bigger cocks.
- Gil: You probably have. But we'll get into your baby cock blow bang fetish later.
- Greg: Get in line mister. The cops are already there.
- Gil: I know. I called them. And the "To Catch A Predator" guy.
- Greg: How about calling them on Ken? That son of bitch stalks the night like fucking Batman.
- Gil: Yeah. If batman was the complete opposite of a billionaire playboy.
- Greg: Good point. He sounds like a Morlock.
- Gil: Is that a mole-person?
- Greg: I believe so. A mole person named Ken.
October 8th, 2010 - "The Power of Contortion Compells You"
- Greg: For some insane reason I decided to purchase The Exorcist on Blu-Ray at lunch. That movie scares the fucking shit out of me. Why in the hell would I want to see that horror in high definition??
- Gil: Because you're an idiot?
- Greg: Because I like watching people bang themselves with crucifixes?
- Gil: Who doesn't? AND she's a contortionist. Perfect woman?
- Greg: She's a child in the film. But, yes.
- Gil: She's all woman, Greg. She's ALL woman.
April 13th, 2010 - "Steven Seagal"
- Greg: Dude - How fucking awesome is Steven Seagal?
- Gil: Very?
- Greg: Motherfucker was sued for having sex slaves! I would say so.
- Gil: Amazing. How does one even garner a sex slave in the United States in 2010? I feel like that's a purely eastern European racket.
- Greg: From Russia, apparently.
- Gil: That explains it...
- Greg: He had two.
- Gil: That greedy motherfucker.
- Greg: He's a big boy. He has needs, Gil.
- Gil: I'll bet he made them pleasure him while he watched himself in Under Siege - because the only way he can climax is by either watching himself gouge out Tommy Lee Jones' eyes, or ACTUALLY gouging out Tommy Lee Jones' eyes.
- Greg: I've done it - Why wouldn't he?
March 23rd, 2010 - "Myths"
- Greg: I opted to purchase The Fantastic Mr. Fox today. Awesome movie.
- Gil: Really? I wanted to see it but never did.
- Greg: I watched it in my hotel room when I was in Minnesota a couple weeks ago. Thought it was sweet. One of Wes Anderson's better efforts.
- Gil: Nice.
- Greg: Yes, Gil, it is. It's very nice.
- Gil: I'm sure you'll always hold dear the memory of masturbating to a claymation fox for the first time.
- Greg: Indeed, friend. Especially when it's voiced by one, Mr. George Clooney.
- Gil: You are despicable.
- Greg: I can live with that.
- Gil: Unlike the fact that you're HIV-positive.
- Greg: HIV is a myth. Just like the Holocaust.
- Gil: And child pornography.
- Greg: No. Comment.
March 19th, 2010 - "Oedipuss" (Happy Mother's Day)
- Greg: What are you guys up to this weekend?
- Gil: Dunno. Nothing yet. You?
- Greg: No plans really. Katrina's in Miami tonight. Probably getting her fuck on. Son of a bitch.
- Gil: Probably. With the cast from the Jersey Shore. 'The Situation' is gonna be all up in her situation.
- Greg: Fucking hell.
- Gil: Wanna grab a beer after work or something? Talk about the interview you just blew?
- Greg: Yeah, That'd be cool. Where are you thinking?
- Gil: I don't know. I'm inviting you out to a social setting, so clearly I'm not. Thinking, that is.
- Greg: Hardy har har... Queerbait.
- Gil: Fuck your mother.
- Greg: Jesus. You go from 1 to 60 in a millisecond.
- Gil: You called me a queerbait! Don't you fucking lecture me.
- Greg: I was justified.
- Gil: You were out of line and you know it. Now be a good boy and go fuck your mother :)
- Greg: Emoticon?
- Gil: You know it.
- Greg: Sending one of those is worse than telling me to fuck my mother.
- Gil: That makes no sense. I feel like you don't understand the implications and consequences of fucking your own mother.
- Greg: ;)
- Gil: God dammit.
March 1st, 2010 - ";)"
- Greg: Chink.
- Gil: Excuse me?
- Greg: Friend?
- Gil: I hate you.
- Greg: I hate myself more.
- Gil: I sincerely doubt that. Nobody prays more for your death than I do
- Greg: Jesus does, Gil. Jesus does.
- Gil: Why would Jesus pray? To whom would He pray? Himself? Tebow?
- Greg: He'd pray to polar bears. He likes them. Thinks they're cool.
- Gil: I feel like you're high right now. Or wasted.
- Greg: High on life my friend, high on life.
- Gil: And dicks.
- Greg: Yes, I am high on dicks. Speaking of which - go fuck yourself.
- Gil: If gay were a stock you'd be a majority shareholder.
- Greg: I'd be trading at record volumes that's for sure ;)
February 26th, 2010 - "Sean Tucker's Going Away Party"
- Greg: Can you do me a favor tonight at Sean Tucker's going away party?
- Gil: Assassinate him?
- Greg: Punch him in the cock as hard as you can.
- Gil: Dude. I've had that in the works since he sent out the invitation.
- Greg: You've been planning a cock punch? How much planning could possibly go into an event like that?
- Gil: You have to know your enemy, Greg. His movements; How fast he is; How big his cock is... wait... no... An approximation would suffice?
- Greg: It's Sean Tucker. I sincerely doubt that cock size is a relevant variable.
- Gil: Point taken. I'll bow to your experience.
- Greg: Thank you, sir. That's what Sean Tucker did! WHAT-WHAT?!?
- Gil: Nice. Congratulations on receiving a blowjob from another man.
- Greg: Fuck it. A mouth's a mouth.
- Gil: Dear god.
- Greg: This guy knows what I'm talking about!
- Gil: Are you pointing at Ken?
- Greg: Oh wow. Nice.
- Gil: Yeah. I probably shouldn't insult random people when they're not even around to take it.
- Greg: Fuck it.
February 24th, 2010 - "WWII"
- Greg: I picked up Fargo for $10 last week. Great flick. Although, you'd probably hate it because it's all about white people and cold weather.
- Gil: Probably. Those are my two most hated things.
- Greg: I know, Gil. I know.
- Gil: You don't know shit.
- Greg: I know we beat you fuckers in WWII.
- Gil: Yeah. Too bad I had already kamikaze crashed my plane into the USS Arizona. And by "plane", I mean "penis". And by "USS Arizona", I mean your mother's vagina.
- Greg: Apparently the sex was much like a kamikaze pilot - little skill required, minimally effective and finished quickly. Also - Y'all got lil' Asian baby cockles.
- Gil: Fair enough. But one of us has a gall bladder, and the other does not...
- Greg: Thank you for pointing out that one of us no longer has an organ that human evolution has deemed unnecessary. Another organ that human evolution has deemed unnecessary? The Asian penis. Eat it baby cock.
- Gil: Son of a bitch.
February 3rd, 2010 - "The Super Bowl"
- Greg: So, when is the Super Bowl? This weekend?
- Gil: Yes. You woman. We're probably having just a few people over if you wanna come watch it with us. I'll probably grill.
- Greg: I'd be down for that. I don't even know whose playing. Colts and Saints? Or the Cats, maybe?
- Gil: Yes. The cats. Versus the Squirrels. Squirrels are fast, but the Cats have the whole 9 lives advantage. Should be a good game.
- Greg: I'm a big fan of the Pasadena Kitty Kats.
- Gil: You're a fucking moron.
- Greg: Fuuuuuck it. Been too busy trying to get caught up on all the Oscar nominees - no time for football. Shit's queer.
- Gil: Oh, are you having an Oscar party this year? Maybe show off your appletini-making skills? Maybe make some panini? Pull for Jeff Bridges in 'Crazy Heart'? You latent homosexual, you?
- Greg: Dude - We should totally do that shit. I'll make ballots for everyone, pass them out before the ceremony 'n shit.
- Gil: God damn you. I'm in.
- Greg: Yesss. I'll drink appletini's till my dick falls off.
- Gil: So two then? You'll drink two?
- Greg: Don't worry about me, son of a bitch.
January 21st, 2010 - "Bad Weather"
- Gil: Apparently a tornado touched down in Ponte Vedra.
- Greg: Oh wow. It's nasty as fuck downtown.
- Gil: Here too (JTB and Philips).
- Greg: Incredible (monkey dick).
- Gil: I always had a sneaking suspicion that monkey dick was always on your brain.
- Greg: I can't stop thinking about the shit.
- Gil: Figured as much, you beastiality-lovin' motherfucker
- Greg: Fuuuuuuck it. I'd rather have the cold than this fucking shit.
- Gil: Same here. This shit's dangerous. People drive like shit in this.
- Greg: Word - You old man.
- Gil: You're older than me. AND you're missing an organ. Two if you count your lack of a penis that's able to be viewed without the use of a microscope. So shut the fuck up.
- Greg: Jesus H. I don't even have words.
