June 2011
2 posts
October 8th, 2010 - "To Catch A Morlock"
Greg: Going to happy hour tonight at Square One?
Gil: Probably working late.
Greg: You understand that trying multiple times to suck your own cock does NOT count as work - correct?
Gil: Says you. I've never worked up more of a sweat in my life.
Greg: Well that's understandable I suppose. Considering I've seen newborns with bigger cocks.
Gil: You probably have. But we'll get into your baby cock blow bang fetish later.
Greg: Get in line mister. The cops are already there.
Gil: I know. I called them. And the "To Catch A Predator" guy.
Greg: How about calling them on Ken? That son of bitch stalks the night like fucking Batman.
Gil: Yeah. If batman was the complete opposite of a billionaire playboy.
Greg: Good point. He sounds like a Morlock.
Gil: Is that a mole-person?
Greg: I believe so. A mole person named Ken.
October 8th, 2010 - "The Power of Contortion...
Greg: For some insane reason I decided to purchase The Exorcist on Blu-Ray at lunch. That movie scares the fucking shit out of me. Why in the hell would I want to see that horror in high definition??
Gil: Because you're an idiot?
Greg: Because I like watching people bang themselves with crucifixes?
Gil: Who doesn't? AND she's a contortionist. Perfect woman?
Greg: She's a child in the film. But, yes.
Gil: She's all woman, Greg. She's ALL woman.
May 2011
3 posts
April 13th, 2010 - "Steven Seagal"
Greg: Dude - How fucking awesome is Steven Seagal?
Gil: Very?
Greg: Motherfucker was sued for having sex slaves! I would say so.
Gil: Amazing. How does one even garner a sex slave in the United States in 2010? I feel like that's a purely eastern European racket.
Greg: From Russia, apparently.
Gil: That explains it...
Greg: He had two.
Gil: That greedy motherfucker.
Greg: He's a big boy. He has needs, Gil.
Gil: I'll bet he made them pleasure him while he watched himself in Under Siege - because the only way he can climax is by either watching himself gouge out Tommy Lee Jones' eyes, or ACTUALLY gouging out Tommy Lee Jones' eyes.
Greg: I've done it - Why wouldn't he?
March 23rd, 2010 - "Myths"
Greg: I opted to purchase The Fantastic Mr. Fox today. Awesome movie.
Gil: Really? I wanted to see it but never did.
Greg: I watched it in my hotel room when I was in Minnesota a couple weeks ago. Thought it was sweet. One of Wes Anderson's better efforts.
Gil: Nice.
Greg: Yes, Gil, it is. It's very nice.
Gil: I'm sure you'll always hold dear the memory of masturbating to a claymation fox for the first time.
Greg: Indeed, friend. Especially when it's voiced by one, Mr. George Clooney.
Gil: You are despicable.
Greg: I can live with that.
Gil: Unlike the fact that you're HIV-positive.
Greg: HIV is a myth. Just like the Holocaust.
Gil: And child pornography.
Greg: No. Comment.
March 19th, 2010 - "Oedipuss" (Happy Mother's Day)
Greg: What are you guys up to this weekend?
Gil: Dunno. Nothing yet. You?
Greg: No plans really. Katrina's in Miami tonight. Probably getting her fuck on. Son of a bitch.
Gil: Probably. With the cast from the Jersey Shore. 'The Situation' is gonna be all up in her situation.
Greg: Fucking hell.
Gil: Wanna grab a beer after work or something? Talk about the interview you just blew?
Greg: Yeah, That'd be cool. Where are you thinking?
Gil: I don't know. I'm inviting you out to a social setting, so clearly I'm not. Thinking, that is.
Greg: Hardy har har... Queerbait.
Gil: Fuck your mother.
Greg: Jesus. You go from 1 to 60 in a millisecond.
Gil: You called me a queerbait! Don't you fucking lecture me.
Greg: I was justified.
Gil: You were out of line and you know it. Now be a good boy and go fuck your mother :)
Greg: Emoticon?
Gil: You know it.
Greg: Sending one of those is worse than telling me to fuck my mother.
Gil: That makes no sense. I feel like you don't understand the implications and consequences of fucking your own mother.
Greg: ;)
Gil: God dammit.
April 2011
1 post
March 1st, 2010 - ";)"
Greg: Chink.
Gil: Excuse me?
Greg: Friend?
Gil: I hate you.
Greg: I hate myself more.
Gil: I sincerely doubt that. Nobody prays more for your death than I do
Greg: Jesus does, Gil. Jesus does.
Gil: Why would Jesus pray? To whom would He pray? Himself? Tebow?
Greg: He'd pray to polar bears. He likes them. Thinks they're cool.
Gil: I feel like you're high right now. Or wasted.
Greg: High on life my friend, high on life.
Gil: And dicks.
Greg: Yes, I am high on dicks. Speaking of which - go fuck yourself.
Gil: If gay were a stock you'd be a majority shareholder.
Greg: I'd be trading at record volumes that's for sure ;)
March 2011
3 posts
February 26th, 2010 - "Sean Tucker's Going Away...
Greg: Can you do me a favor tonight at Sean Tucker's going away party?
Gil: Assassinate him?
Greg: Punch him in the cock as hard as you can.
Gil: Dude. I've had that in the works since he sent out the invitation.
Greg: You've been planning a cock punch? How much planning could possibly go into an event like that?
Gil: You have to know your enemy, Greg. His movements; How fast he is; How big his cock is... wait... no... An approximation would suffice?
Greg: It's Sean Tucker. I sincerely doubt that cock size is a relevant variable.
Gil: Point taken. I'll bow to your experience.
Greg: Thank you, sir. That's what Sean Tucker did! WHAT-WHAT?!?
Gil: Nice. Congratulations on receiving a blowjob from another man.
Greg: Fuck it. A mouth's a mouth.
Gil: Dear god.
Greg: This guy knows what I'm talking about!
Gil: Are you pointing at Ken?
Greg: Oh wow. Nice.
Gil: Yeah. I probably shouldn't insult random people when they're not even around to take it.
Greg: Fuck it.
February 24th, 2010 - "WWII"
Greg: I picked up Fargo for $10 last week. Great flick. Although, you'd probably hate it because it's all about white people and cold weather.
Gil: Probably. Those are my two most hated things.
Greg: I know, Gil. I know.
Gil: You don't know shit.
Greg: I know we beat you fuckers in WWII.
Gil: Yeah. Too bad I had already kamikaze crashed my plane into the USS Arizona. And by "plane", I mean "penis". And by "USS Arizona", I mean your mother's vagina.
Greg: Apparently the sex was much like a kamikaze pilot - little skill required, minimally effective and finished quickly. Also - Y'all got lil' Asian baby cockles.
Gil: Fair enough. But one of us has a gall bladder, and the other does not...
Greg: Thank you for pointing out that one of us no longer has an organ that human evolution has deemed unnecessary. Another organ that human evolution has deemed unnecessary? The Asian penis. Eat it baby cock.
Gil: Son of a bitch.
February 3rd, 2010 - "The Super Bowl"
Greg: So, when is the Super Bowl? This weekend?
Gil: Yes. You woman. We're probably having just a few people over if you wanna come watch it with us. I'll probably grill.
Greg: I'd be down for that. I don't even know whose playing. Colts and Saints? Or the Cats, maybe?
Gil: Yes. The cats. Versus the Squirrels. Squirrels are fast, but the Cats have the whole 9 lives advantage. Should be a good game.
Greg: I'm a big fan of the Pasadena Kitty Kats.
Gil: You're a fucking moron.
Greg: Fuuuuuck it. Been too busy trying to get caught up on all the Oscar nominees - no time for football. Shit's queer.
Gil: Oh, are you having an Oscar party this year? Maybe show off your appletini-making skills? Maybe make some panini? Pull for Jeff Bridges in 'Crazy Heart'? You latent homosexual, you?
Greg: Dude - We should totally do that shit. I'll make ballots for everyone, pass them out before the ceremony 'n shit.
Gil: God damn you. I'm in.
Greg: Yesss. I'll drink appletini's till my dick falls off.
Gil: So two then? You'll drink two?
Greg: Don't worry about me, son of a bitch.
February 2011
3 posts
January 21st, 2010 - "Bad Weather"
Gil: Apparently a tornado touched down in Ponte Vedra.
Greg: Oh wow. It's nasty as fuck downtown.
Gil: Here too (JTB and Philips).
Greg: Incredible (monkey dick).
Gil: I always had a sneaking suspicion that monkey dick was always on your brain.
Greg: I can't stop thinking about the shit.
Gil: Figured as much, you beastiality-lovin' motherfucker
Greg: Fuuuuuuck it. I'd rather have the cold than this fucking shit.
Gil: Same here. This shit's dangerous. People drive like shit in this.
Greg: Word - You old man.
Gil: You're older than me. AND you're missing an organ. Two if you count your lack of a penis that's able to be viewed without the use of a microscope. So shut the fuck up.
Greg: Jesus H. I don't even have words.
January 15th, 2010 - "Writing"
Greg: Anything good for lunch? A dickle sandwich maybe?
Gil: That's the lamest insult I've ever heard.
Greg: Nah dawg, It's awesome.
Gil: Oh. Well in THAT case... You're an idiot.
Greg: Son of a bitch. Man, I'm ready to go home. I don't feel like writing. It sucks to have a profession doing only that.
Gil: Yeah. I can imagine.
Greg: Should've gone with my gut and been a gigolo instead.
Gil: Yeah. Probably would have panned out better for you: same amount of STD's but with more money.
Greg: Yeah - So worth it.
January 8th, 2010 - "Snow's Ugly Step-Sister &...
Gil: Anything popping off this weekend?
Greg: Haven't really heard of anything. I'll probably be staying off the roads, seeing as how Floridians aren't going to be able to drive in snow/ice.
Gil: Is that for real? Is there really a chance of that?
Greg: Sounds like if we get anything it'll be rain - which will then freeze.
Gil: My boss has been telling everyone he's talked to on the phone that its going to snow. I was thrown off when my Gmail theme, which reflects the local weather, had snow on it.
Greg: I'll believe snow when i see it - but I wouldn't be surprised if we meet snow's ugly step-sister: freezing rain, which is much much worse.
Gil: Freezing rain is the WORST. I will NOT be out in that.
Greg: Yeah. I agree.
Gil: I'll go fuck your mother before I go out in that... YOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN'?!
Greg: Jesus.
January 2011
2 posts
January 8th, 2010 - "Checkmate"
Greg: Fuck yourself, faggot.
Gil: Umm.. ok. Seems a little uncalled for... but whatever.
Greg: It was my way of saying... hi?
Gil: Oh! Fuck your mother then. Or I will. Either way.
Greg: Sweet Jesus. Checkmate, you son of a bitch.
December 11th, 2009 - "Team Edward"
Gil: Did you see that article about how things like Redbox were slowly killing the movie industry?
Greg: Yeah. Don't know if I completely believe it...
Gil: Yeah. Like David Blaine...
Greg: ...when some of these movies open up and make $175 million in a weekend.
Gil: Yeah. I dunno the cost of the films though. You know who made a killing? The producers of Twilight. I think they made that movie for all of $500. Then made like a billion.
Greg: Did you go and see the second one?
Gil: Fuck no.
Greg: Yeah. I watched the first one just to see what the fuss was about. Its complete shit; acting is terrible; stories are dumb; shitty c.g.i.
Gil: Oh yeah. It's absolutely horrible. I can't believe I wasted my time and money. It's like the director told the cast, "Umm.. you! You be pensive! And you! You be brooding. ACTION!"
Greg: Yeah. Too bad I jerked it to Edward's hair.
Gil: So that's what keeps it pomped like that. Oh. You said "it"... not "in".
December 2010
1 post
December 11th, 2009 - "Breaking & Entering"
Greg: Did you see 'Always Sunny' last night?
Gil: Nope. DVR'd it.
Greg: I hate you. And I hate your DVR.
Gil: Sorry man. Had a birthday dinner to go to. I'm sure we'll watch it before the year is out.
Greg: It's pretty funny. I think it was the season finale.
Gil: Sweet. But I think you should spend less time with your tv and more time with... you know... people.
Greg: People don't like me Gil. It's a problem.
Gil: Oh, without question. But still... It's fun to see your ugly face so we can all join in on insulting you.
Greg: You'll see it soon enough... when I break into your home and steal all your shit.
Gil: If by "home" you mean "butt" and by "shit" you mean "dignity".... and "actual shit".
Greg: I'm so confused. So I'm now meant to be breaking into your butt, raping you, and finally stealing your poop?
Gil: Yes... That is correct. You said it, not me.
Greg: I said one thing! You've created something else entirely!
Gil: No... No, I don't think so. By my account, you said you'd break into my butt, steal my dignity AND my poop.
Greg: Your trickery knows no bounds, he-devil.
November 2010
1 post
October 2nd, 2009 - "Seamen"
Gil: What are you guys up to tonight?
Greg: We're going out with co-workers for a drink and then heading to the town center to return some stuff. After that, no plans. You guys?
Gil: Nah. No plans really. I'm already fucking hungry though.
Greg: Nice. Yeah, we were talking about laying low tonight; save money for tomorrow.
Gil: Word. Makes sense. We'll probably do the same. I just want to eat something good. And I don't feel like cooking.
Greg: I would recommend drinking your own seamen. It's a warm meal, pre-made.
Gil: It's "semen", you dolt. If you're going to insult me, at least have the god damn decency to accurately spell things.
Greg: I was referring to the sailors. I know you keep them in your home.
Gil: You're an idiot.
Greg: Well, duh.
October 2010
1 post
November 20th, 2009 - "Kirk vs. Spock"
Greg: Quick question: Kirk vs. Spock...Who would you bang?
Gil: What the fuck??
Greg: Answer the fucking question! I'm taking a random survey.
Gil: Spock... Gotta bang the alien when you can...
Greg: Thank you.
September 2010
2 posts
September 25th, 2009 - "Aaaaahhh!!"
Greg: Did you catch Always Sunny last night?
Gil: Nah. DVR'd it.
Greg: It's a good one.
Gil: Sweet. Hopefully we'll get some time to watch the 100s of things I have on DVR
Greg: In seven months?
Gil: What's in 7 months?
Greg: You'll be done with all of your wedding and honeymoon stuff, fool.
Gil: Pfff. We'll be done with that in ONE month. Wedding's two weeks away son! And we leave for Italy the Wednesday after! Aaaaahhh!!
Greg: What the? Are you alright?
Gil: Yeah. Just getting close.
Greg: Nerves start to set in?
Gil: Oh no no. Not like Aaaaahhh (scared)... like Aaaaahhh (excited)
Greg: Like Aaaaahhh (you're gay).
Gil: More like Aaaaahhh (you're out of the wedding).
Greg: Aaaaahhh (I'm glad).
Gil: Aaaaahhhh (fuck you).
Greg: Aaaaahhh (ok?).
December 21st, 2009 - "Facebook"
Greg: Fuck yourself.
Gil: I hate you.
Greg: I'll tell you what I hate: The fucking bitch that sent me a Farmville duck on Facebook. I mean, really? What the fuck? Get a life!
Gil: Hate that shit.
Greg: It's the worst.
Gil: Mafia wars, Farmville... All kinds of bullshit.
Greg: It's bad enough that people publish it to their own walls -- but on mine?
Gil: JUST LEMME STALK CHILDREN IN PEACE!
Greg: That's what I'm sayin'!
August 2010
3 posts
September 11th, 2009 - "Poop the World"
Greg: Have you seen this "Poop the World" iPhone app?
Gil: No
Greg: Apparently, you can update your friends on the type and smell of your poop from anywhere. I always get the updates from my boss: Hold on I'll forward you the e-mail. Apparently his today was the consistency of sea angels and smells like sweet n' sour sauce.
Gil: Dear. God.
Greg: Did you get the e-mail?
Gil: Yes. Unfortunately.
Greg: I mean "Brown Baby Manatee"?
Gil: Fuck's sake man. I mean, why? Why is this a thing?
Greg: I don't really know Gil.
Gil: Does society need such a thing?
Greg: Part of me is inclined to say yes.
Gil: Part of you... or maybe all of you... is a piece of shit that needs to be described by this app.
Greg: Try not having a gall bladder, dick. A poop log would be kinda nice.
Gil: I don't even know what all of that means.
Greg: Of course you don't -- judging me on your high horse with all of your working organs: It means consistency is an issue meal to meal. I'm just saying I'd like to chart the shit. Literally.
Gil: [laughing]
Greg: Go ahead and laugh. You bastard.
Gil: I did. And I think I will continue at your expense.
September 4th, 2009 - "Work"
Greg: Your mother's cunt!
Gil: Umm... What?
Greg: It's from Raging Bull. You're welcome.
Gil: Never seen it
Greg: Fuck yourself. I cannot wait until 5. They axed a veteran here yesterday. Everyone's on pins and needles.
Gil: Eesh. Yeah. I can't wait till 5 either. I'm alone in the office.
Greg: Seriously?
Gil: Boss left a while ago.
Greg: That's kind of awesome.
Gil: Tell me about it. I've been naked for an hour.
Greg: And by "awesome", I mean that this guy's rocking a halfsy across town.
August 21st, 2009 - "Facial Hair & Lethal Weapon...
Greg: Which one of you fuckers said I had a Velcro chin-strap beard yesterday?
Gil: Me.
Greg: I fucking hate you.
Gil: [Laughing hysterically] Still hilarious.
Greg: Its awful. I'm shaving tonight, you motherless cunt.
Gil: Nooooo!! Dude. Have you seen MY facial hair? The ol' neck beard??
Greg: Like adult Simba.
Gil: Exactly.
Greg: At least you can grow a 'stache. God's still fucking with me on that one.
Gil: Next time you shave, shave against the grain on your 'stache. Try and promote it.
Greg: Thanks Danny Glover.
Gil: Man. What was that? Lethal Weapon 2?
Greg: Three. When his son's all involved with L.A. gangs 'n shit.
Gil: Armor-piercing bullets 'n shit.
Greg: Fuck yes. Don't forget: That shit'll pierce through the bucket of a bulldozer. FTW!
Gil: For real. He was definitely getting too old for that shit...
July 2010
3 posts
August 21st, 2009 - "Wedding Invitations &...
Greg: Got my invite last night. Ridiculous... -ly bad.
Gil: Thanks. Ass.
Greg: No, seriously - Amazing. I've never kept a wedding invite, but I'm definitely going to hang on to that one.
Gil: Thanks man. We couldn't be more psyched about them. I'm still blown away by them.
Greg: Can't say I blame you. I love how each one is different because of the material and the press.
Gil: Yeah. The little imperfections make them that much cooler and unique.
Greg: Yes, one could make the same case about America being great because we're all different, as well. But I've never subscribed to that notion.
Gil: Me neither. Because then I wouldn't be able to make fun of various ethnic groups.
Greg: You all look like sin from where I'm standing.
Gil: On the precipice of the abyss?
Greg: Yes. And its teeming with minorities.
Gil: Just like your mother's vagina.
Greg: And your father's vagina-like mouth.
Gil: Indeed
Greg: I got nothing else.
Gil: You really don't. No money. No friends. No talents.
Greg: Oh sweet mother. I'm going to go and slit my wrists. I'll hit you up in the afterlife.
Gil: Sweet. Sounds like a plan. Remember cut vertically, not horizontally.
Greg: You'd know - Emo whore...
July 13th, 2010 - "R.I.P. George "Benny 'The Jet'...
Gil: George Steinbrenner died last night from a heart attack.
Joni: Yeah, my brother just called me. Sucks.
Gil: Yeah. Now who's gonna play right field? Too soon??
Joni: Not soon enough.
Gil: Yeah. I'm glad though that he died the way he did... Winning the 2010 Home Run Derby with a 500 ft. State Farm Golden Ball smash. Opposite field bitch...
Joni: NOW it's too soon. You've crossed the line. Everyone knows he was not about the long ball. He liked to put the ball in play and get on base.
Gil: They didn't call him George "Benny 'The Jet' Rodriguez" Steinbrenner for nothing...
Joni: The Jet's got a suicide lead... and there he goes! I can't believe it! He's stealing home! They don't see'im! The Jet stole home, the Jet stole home!
Gil: And there he goes! Lotioning! Oiling! They don't see him! Lotioning! Oiling! I can't take it anymore!
Joni: Oh, Benny "The Jet" Preffercorn! My darling lover girl... I'm bakin' like a toasted cheeser, he's SO hot!!
Gil: I used to love Benny so hard that his weiner almost disappeared.. HAH! Bitches hate that...
Joni: Smalls... just go into my pants, real quiet, and look down... What is it? It's called... the "Beast". What happened to it?? It got eaten...
Gil: I asked Mr. Myrtle how long I had to stay down there and he said... "FOOOREEEEEEVER..."
Joni: Let's face it mom, I eat nothin' but dick heads. Scotty, you'll always eat dick heads with an attitude like that. Go out! Make friends! Get down and scrape your knees! Eat out some ASS for cryin' out loud! Now.. how many mothers do you know would say that? Well... none mothers!
Gil: When the fellow's flaming, you stick it IN your ass. Then... you STUFF... [nom nom nom nom...]
Joni: Jim.. I mean.. Dad.. Could you, like you said.. teach me to cup the balls and take the shaft? Yeah, I will and I said I will.. but I'm under the gun here!
Gil: John Holmes signed my boobs. He was the greatest cocksman that ever lived...
Joni: Even my mom, a grown up girl, knew who John Holmes was...
Joni: Man, if I didn't have to go back to work from my break, I'd be doing this shit all day!
Gil: I know! It works on so many levels!
August 20th, 2009 - "A Class Act"
Greg: Russel may require some assistance in the shit-talking business.
Gil: Yeah. He definitely does. No doubt about it.
Greg: I'm tempted to back his corner on Twitter. That's the kind of class act I am.
Gil: Hah. "Class act"...
Greg: It's true and you know it.
Gil: I know that you drink yourself stupid every weekend before 1pm.
Greg: Stupid is a relative term. Considering I can't drink myself smart.
Gil: You're right. We'll just say that you ARE stupid and you get drunk every weekend before 1pm.
Greg: Fair enough.
June 2010
3 posts
June 28th, 2010 - "Toy Story 3"
Gil: Saw Toy Story 3 last night. It was awesome. I didn't text you because it was kinda a last minute decision after a triple dinner date with Austin, my little brother and their girlfriends. Oh... and I hate you.
Greg: That's cool. No worries. I forgot True Blood and Entourage were on, so I probably would have stayed home anyway.
Gil: Weird. All that came through in your last text message was "I'm gay".
Greg: Perhaps if multiple penises weren't impeding your vision, you would be able to read properly.
Gil: There's not enough evidence to support that theory.
Greg: You had semen all over your face Saturday. Circumstantial, but probably accurate.
Gil: It was sour cream! I swear! And not the kind produced by a geriatric penis. The store-bought variety.
Greg: Blah. Liar.
June 24th, 2010 - "No iPhone 4 You"
In honor of the much-anticipated release of the iPhone 4, the following is a conversation that actually took place today...
Greg: Did you get the iPhone this morning?
Gil: Nah. AT&T won't start selling to walk-ins until the 29th.
Greg: That sucks. I saw that my credit card has been charged. Hopefully I will have it on Saturday or so.
Gil: Oh, you didn't get yours? That sucks. Did you pre-order later than the first day?
Greg: No, I pre-ordered on the first day. But their system was down. We're expecting to receive the orders tomorrow. So I'm hoping to get it within the next two days. I can live with that. I'll bet you're sweating from your little Asian asshole to get your brown mitts on one. You sicken me.
Gil: Don't worry. We'll still be able to FaceTime. And by "FaceTime", I mean "I'm going to piss on your face when I see you talking on your new, precious iPhone. Go fuck yourself."
August 18th, 2009 - "Manscaping"
Greg: So I was doing some manscaping yesterday and nicked my penis with the hedge trimmers; Bled like a stuck pig.
Gil: What. The. Fuck. Why do you tell me these things?
Greg: I... don't... even... know... anymore...
Gil: Was this a "Oops. That was supposed to go to Katrina" thing?
Greg: No - She already knows. I was telling you for friendship.
Gil: Gee. Thanks.
May 2010
5 posts
August 13th, 2009 - "Brotherly Love"
[After reviewing pictures from Gil's birthday celebration the previous weekend...]
Gil: Man. Those pics are sooooo gay. Every single one of them.
Greg: The line of the night was perhaps, "I''ll suck my brothers dick, I don't even care!"
Gil: Should have tweeted that little gem my friend. Overheard!!
Greg: I would have, but I've got college professors and P.R. professionals that follow me on there - don't wanna tweet about brother-on-brother dick sucking. Quite frankly, I don't want a permanent record of that ever being said. I wish I could wash it from my mind.
Gil: No such luck my friend. You'll have to deal with it.
Greg: Yes, I'm certain I'll carry the psychological damage with me for years. Anything going on this weekend?
Gil: Besides more brother-on-brother dick sucking?
Greg: Oh fuck me. Yes, aside from that. Jesus Christ.
August 7, 2009 - "Consolation"
Greg: Hey fagGET.
Gil: Oh hey fagGEt. What's going on?
Greg: Not much man. Ready to go home and enjoy the weekend. a.k.a. - Sleep with your mother.
Gil: Well that MIGHT seem a little uncalled for, but the fact that I've been banging your mom AND sister for the past year makes it acceptable.
Greg: I feel as though it does not, actually.
Gil: Oh. My apologies. If it's any consolation they are both rubbish in bed.
Greg: It's not even a small consolation!
July 27th, 2009 - "The Case of the Butt Hair...
Greg: So, I'm kind of vexed.
Gil: Oh yeah?
Greg: Someone keeps leaving their ass hairs on the toilet at work. I've nicknamed them the "Butt Hair Bandit." And I'm obsessed with discovering the person's identity.
Gil: Do you even work at your job?
Greg: This is far too important. I suspect that its our graphic designer because a.) he's a beatnik and b.) I have verbal confirmation that he doesn't not use the toilet tissue for the toilet seat.
Gil: A beatnik?? So fucking call that scumbag out!
Greg: I did! It was something out of NYPD blue! I was all like - "Have you shit this morning??" He responded "Yes." Then I asked him if he used the toilet seat protector. He vehemently denied using it and then asked me if I did - As if I'm a lesser man for doing so. I told him I had no alternative since some god damned person was leaving stray ass hairs everywhere. He shut up immediately. Butt Hair Bandit identified. Case Closed.
Gil: Ridiculous.
Greg: My skills of deduction and reasoning? They most certainly are.
July 20th, 2009 - "Watch Men"
Greg: I believe they have Dr. Manhattan & Rorschach figures for sale as well as the film tomorrow.
Gil: Oh yeah?
Greg: I mean, would it be gay to buy one for my desk at work?
Gil: Fuck no. Have you seen my desk at work?
Greg: Yeah - I'm about as bad. Which one do you think is worth picking up?
Gil: Depending on how much they are, maybe both?
Greg: I kinda like Dr. Manhattan, but dude is rocking a g-string. Oh well, it's not like he's posed like Christ resurrected or anything. Oh wait....
Gil: Christ WISHES he was blue and rockin' a g-string.
Greg: No doubt son. I love how this is my big crisis for the day.
Gil: Whether or not to purchase a homo-erotic blue figurine to display at your place of employment?
Greg: Yes... Exactly.
June 12th, 2009 - "Gran Torino"
Greg: Sooooo, you may need to rent "Gran Torino", because it's basically the story of our friendship. White racist asshole who drinks PBR + asian kid who steals shit = BFF.
Gil: Amazing.
Greg: Yeah dude - I was blown away. Clint captured my life!
Gil: Does stealing virginities count?
Greg: What movie is that and where can it be rented?
April 2010
1 post
June 4th, 2009 - "Bill Killed"
Greg: Why do I blame Asians for the death of David Carradine? Is nothing sacred to you people?
Gil: What the hell are you blabbering about now?
Greg: David. Carradine. Is. Dead... Died in Thailand.
Gil: Yeah?...
Greg: Which is a hotbed for shady Asians.
Gil: Ah. I get it. So him hanging himself had nothing to do with it? Just so I understand your position...
Greg: Ninjas could've done that shit Gil - You know this.
Gil: You are a horrible, horrible man, Greg Willis.
Greg: I know. I tweeted a bunch of terrible shit and immediately regretted it. Stuff about it not being so hard to "Kill Bill" and suggesting Kung Fu Panda as a potential murder suspect.
Gil: I always have you to make me look like less of an asshole.
Greg: You do indeed friend.
Gil: Ridiculous.
Greg: I know. And immature. Shiiiiit.
Gil: Hilarious nonetheless.
Greg: Indeed.
March 2010
5 posts
June 1st, 2009 - "Up"
Greg: How was Up?
Gil: Dude. Really good. Like REALLY good. Favorite Pixar film to date. There's so much there.
Greg: Really? Better than the Toy Stories and The Incredibles? That's impressive.
Gil: I think so. I teared up man. Came close to full on crying. All in the first half hour.
Greg: Wow. Up helped you birth a soul. That's saying something. I gotta check it out. Maybe this weekend. Anything creepier than a grown ass man attending a Pixar film by himself? I don't think so!
Gil: Try to sit between two kids, asking with a coy smirk "Is this seat taken?"
Greg: Ah, children, how I do love them.
Gil: But not in THAT way right? In a completely physical and inappropriate way.
Greg: Of course. What do you think I am? Some upstanding member of society? Hooorseshit.
Gil: Greg, if I've ever done anything to give you the impression that I didn't think you were a complete scumbag piece of shit... I'm sorry...
Greg: That means a lot buddy.
April 2nd, 2009 - "A Taun-Taun Sleeping Bag,...
Greg: Dude - Please tell me you saw the taun-taun sleeping bag thing I shared on Google Reader yesterday. It may be one of the funniest creations OF ALL TIME.
Gil: That thing WAS amazing.
Greg: I wish they made them in adult sizes.
Gil: Can't believe no one thought of it sooner.
Greg: I know. It's so creative. I laughed for several minutes. And then went into cardiac arrest.
Gil: Awesome. Maybe get a handle on your cholesterol and slightly amusing things won't kill you.
Greg: Fuck that noise. You got any big plans for the weekend?
Gil: No. Not yet. I'll keep you posted though.
Greg: I was going to suggest fisting yourself.
Gil: Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway my friend.
Greg: I am without words to express my emotions at that statement.
Gil: Joy?
Greg: Lust?
Gil: I have instantly become gay and fallen in love with another man?
Greg: That's it exactly. Motherfuck yourself.
March 23rd, 2009 - "Ohio"
Greg: (Telling Gil about his upcoming trip back home to Ohio)
Gil: You're a piece of shit.
Greg: Harsh and inappropriate, dear friend.
Gil: You are deserving of both, dear friend.
Greg: You bastard.
Gil: Who even goes to Ohio voluntarily? I thought it was America's version of Australia: A place for criminals, rapists, and whores.
Greg: That's true...
Gil: Fitting, now that I think about it.
February 27th, 2009 - "The Passion Of The Blu-Ray"
Greg: So I decided to rent fucking "The Passion of The Christ" on Blu-ray.
Gil: Idiot.
Greg: Should be coming in the mail soon. That shit is going to be THE MOST INTENSE FUCKING THING EVER.
Gil: Your obsession with Blu-ray is taking a turn for the severe.
Greg: I'm just intrigued to see what it'll look like.
Gil: I'm guessing it'll be like most Blu-ray discs. It'll feel like you're right there in the action. Except this time, you'll be right there... at the fucking crucifixion. Sound like fun?
Greg: It sounds freaking amazing.
February 6th, 2009 - "Equal Opportunity Racism"
Greg: Can you explain why you're a fucking piece of shit?
Gil: Dude. I can't. I really can't.
Greg: Fucking savage.
Gil: It may have something to do with my hatred of whites. And blacks. And chinks.
Greg: I so want to put you in a concentration camp right now.
Gil: And wops. And greasers.
Greg: Is a greaser an Italian/Mexican? Or just someone that likes cars? WTF?
Gil: I thought Italian.
Greg: Clearly English is your second language, because that would be a "dago".
Gil: Dago?
Greg: Yeah. Not sure if the spelling is right.
Gil: Your knowledge of racism astounds me.
Greg: I'm about to start a class you Mezo-American sherpa looking mother fucker.
Gil: Jesus.
Greg: Too much?
Gil: Nah. I just want to gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you now though.
Greg: That's not racist. It's just outright creepy.
February 2010
22 posts
February 3rd, 2009 - "Blu-Ray"
Greg: What else have you bought on Blu-ray?
Gil: Transformers, Iron Man, Wall*E, 300. Then I have some stuff I got for free as a promo with the PS3, like Flight Of The Phoenix, Superman 1, American Psycho, and 2 other ones I think. Oh, both new Batman movies.
Greg: Gotcha.
Gil: Fuck off.
Greg: Whoa. Wish you didn't own Maid In Manhattan on Blu-ray.
Gil: That and the Blu-ray version of "One Night In Greg Willis' Mother".
Greg: Oh. My. God.
Gil: Too much?
Greg: Fuck yes it's too much.
Gil: Oops.
Greg: Son of a bitch.
January 30th, 2009 - "Ready For The Weekend"
Greg: This guy is ready for the danged weekend.
Gil: Same here man.
Greg: Awesome. a.k.a. - Fuck you.
Gil: Sweet. a.k.a. - This is your last night among the living.
Greg: I've been dead below the waist for years. Do your worst.
January 29th, 2009 - "Movie Night"
Greg: So is Ken's place the final consensus for movie night on Sunday?
Gil: I believe so. I'll get confirmation for you and details.
Greg: Ah, no worries. Primarily because I hate all of you and won't be in attendance.
Gil: Oh sweet. I was hoping for that. Due to an equal or perhaps greater amount of hatred for you on my part.
Greg: Do me a favor: Motherfuck yourself.
Gil: But to my credit, I've only said "your death would be the punchline to the seemingly never ending joke that was your life" once. So there's that...
Greg: Ouch. There's that indeed.
January 21st, 2009 - "LOST"
Gil: (Bashed LOST and people that like LOST on Twitter)
Greg: The Twitterverse may be blowing up with negative adjectives to describe you for the next several moments.
Gil: Probably.
Greg: I was going to say "sexy" but settled on "stupid".
Gil: Thanks. Appreciate it friend. I'll mention that at your funeral next week.
Greg: No prob buddy. I know you don't have the time, what with you having a "life", but it's a great show. Really cool in HD. Plus Matthew Fox is sexy as FUCK.
Gil: Should have stopped at "really cool in HD."
Greg: Fair enough.
September 26th, 2008 - "Books, Puppies, & A...
Gil: I read one page of my new book a few days ago. Haven't read since.
Greg: Nice.
Gil: It's tough with the new puppy.
Greg: I understand that, you faggot.
Gil: Well that's a relief. I thought you might have trouble grasping that concept. You know, due to the whole "you're a retard" thing.
Greg: Never rub another man's rhubarb, Gil.
Gil: I don't even know what that means. Did you just call me a faggot again?!
Greg: Kind of; I think.
Gil: Well sir, I believe you to be a magnificent cunt.
Greg: What an odd thing to say to another grown man.
Gil: If you can't take the heat, go the fuck to hell and die. I forget how that saying goes...
Greg: I don't think that's it.
August 8th, 2008 - "Jaguars, X-Files, &...
Greg: Dude, I'm so pumped for the game. And by "the game," i mean going to see the new X-Files movie; fuck the Jaguars.
Gil: Awesome.
Greg: I actually do want to see it, which is the pathetic thing.
Gil: That is pathetic.
Greg: Tell me how you really feel, cunt. Apparently, it delivers "white knuckle suspense."
Gil: So does masturbating to pictures of David Duchovny. Wait... What?
Greg: You've seen Californication too?! Awesome!!!
July 14th, 2008 - "Dan, Mark, & A Pearl Necklace"
(Discussing the plans for the weekend involving Dan, a friend visiting from out of town)
Greg: I say we take him out Friday for something crazy. Like cocaine.
Gil: Or rufies.
Greg: Let's just do some X and go to Mark's Downtown.
Gil: Hopefully he's bringing at least one silk shirt. Or else he's not getting in. A gold necklace would help too
Greg: I wonder if he'd settle for one of the pearl variety instead.
Gil: Ugh. Sexy.
Greg: I hate myself.
Gil: No need. I've got enough hatred of you for the both of us.
Greg: Ouch.
July 17th, 2008 - "Two-Face & No Head"
Greg: A girl I work with won tickets to a sneak preview of The Dark Knight in IMAX yesterday. Said it was fucking amazing.
Gil: Awesome. Can't wait. Better than "Batman & Robin"? With Clooney and Arnold?
Greg: Well, heavens no.
Gil: Phew. I don't think anything can ever top that one.
Greg: And... Get this... Harvey Dent turns into Two-Face?!? WTF?
Gil: Yeah. I knew that. I think Aaron Eckhart gave that away in multiple interviews.
Greg: I knew that as well. It was a joke, god dammit.
Gil: Oh. I thought you were pointing out the fact that he TRANSITIONED in this movie. I assumed you knew that Harvey Dent WAS Two-Face.
Greg: All I know is that I hate you.
Gil: Hey. Here's a suggestion: Make better jokes. I find that funny ones work best.
Greg: Caucasians have a saying: Asian people can't laugh.
Gil: And Asian people have a saying: I'm gonna karate chop your fucking Caucasian head off.
Greg: Touché.
July 2nd, 2008 - "Baseball, French Kissing, &...
Greg: You guys going to do the baseball game tomorrow?
Gil: Not sure. It would be fun.
Greg: I haven't been to a game this year; looking forward to it.
Gil: Neither have I. Amy's got the gym tomorrow, so I gotta check if she'd be up for getting all dolled up, then turning around and going back downtown.
Greg: Gotcha. And by "gotcha", I mean I'm going to throw you over the railing in the outfield if I see you at the god-damned game.
Gil: Sweet. And by "sweet", I mean I'm gonna wear baseball cleats and use them to stomp on your tiny testicles 437 times.
Greg: That seems excessive.
Gil: 436 times?
Greg: That seems more sensible. And by "sensible", I mean I'm going to pluck out both of your eyeballs with a bottle opener.
Gil: Oh yeah. That's possible. And by "possible", I mean I'm going shit on your face then french kiss you.
Greg: So, you win? And by "win", I mean lose, because you are a minority.
Gil: Damn this dark skin. I despise the terrorist I see in the mirror every morning.
Greg: So does Russel.
Gil: Russel doesn't use mirrors. He uses the reflective surface of the puddles of blood gathered from all the Americans he's killed over the years. Too much?
Greg: For Russel it's still not enough.
June 27th, 2008 - "Beer Fest or Semen Fest?"
Gil: What are you guys up to tonight/this weekend?
Greg: Not sure. What are you guys doing?
Gil: No clue. Nothing yet. Beer Fest was suggested, but it sounds expensive to me. 25 bucks, but all you can drink. To me, I wouldn't drink enough to make it worth it.
Greg: For 25 bucks, I'd rather drink semen. My stupid ass probably WOULD drink 25 bones worth. That's a problem.
Gil: Yeah. But a bigger problem is your habit of guzzling your body weight in semen.
Greg: That's no problem friend.
June 9th, 2008 - "King of Kong & Dick Flicks"
Greg: Have you seen The King of Kong.
Gil: Yeah. The Donkey Kong champ dude. Or high score leader or whatever. Getting challenged by some other loser.
Greg: Yeah. The crazy looking dude lives in Hollywood, Florida and he's got a wing place. I'm going to Hollywood next week and I'm pretty certain I'm going to eat there.
Gil: Nice.
Greg: And I don't know that I've been more excited for anything in my entire life.
Gil: Well. You've led a good life my friend.
Greg: Have you ever seen a photo of him? Dude looks like a snake oil salesman.
Gil: Nope. Awesome.
(http: //snout.org/hotsheet/BillyMitchell.jpg)
Greg: And here he is with his wing sauce:
(http: //bearseatpeople.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/billy_mitchell_approves_his_hot_sau.jpg)
Gil: Snake oil salesman? I don't even know what one is supposed to look like, but I'm sure it's the most accurate description of that guy ever.
Greg: I might try and get the guy to autograph my DVD. I wonder if I'd get punched in the face.
Gil: Doubt it. He'd love the attention I'm sure.
Greg: This is probably true, although they make him look like a total dick in the flick.
Gil: Oh Greg. Always watching dick flicks.
Greg: It's my lot in life man.